How to be a good wife…

I wrote on Wednesday how to be a good husband… die.

There is a big debate between those who are egalitarian (believe men and women are the same in everything), and complementarian (those to hold that men and women are equal in value or worth, but different in role or function, these roles are complementary to eachother).

I’m in the latter group.

This view is put forward pretty well in the Danvers Statement on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. I would probably “tweak” some of the wording, but I think it’s basically a good document. Every person is unique, but in general, men and women are different. There is also a free online book that delves into this issue, Rediscovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

I find egalitarians tend towards the feminist idea that there is no material difference between men and women, that just does not seem to follow reality. Neither manhood or womanhood is better or worse, neither is of greater or lesser inherent worth, just different, and that’s okay!

Here’s an excerpt from the Danvers Statment:

In the family, husbands should forsake harsh or selfish leadership and grow in love and care for their wives; wives should forsake resistance to their husbands’ authority and grow in willing, joyful submission to their husbands’ leadership

(Eph 5:21-33; Col 3:18-19; Tit 2:3-5; 1 Pet 3:1-7).

It’s 2:00am and a window breaks downstairs, both husband and wife wake up to hear someone rummaging around downstairs. Who turns to whom and says “stay here, I’m going to check that out.” If in your heart you say “it could be either” then you are an egalitarian. If, however, you say “it’s the husband who should go” then you’re a complementarian.

There are a lot of caricatures on both sides, but I’ve found the above question a good dividing line in my own thinking. There are many things that are (and are not) contained in these roles for men and women, but it all comes down to what the Apostle Paul (and the rest of the Bible) describes as love and respect.

Paul says: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

Wives, ask yourself these kinds of questions:

• WIll what I do show my love and respect for my husband?
• Will those around me be able to see that I honor my husband?
• Is all that I say and do an evidence that I hold my busband in high esteem?

Almost everyone will admit that in marriage, we should give “unconditional love,” and that is absolutely true.

The other side of the coin, though, is that husbands need “unconditional respect.” Did you catch that?

Just as a husband should love his wife no matter what, the wife should respect her husband no matter what. Both love and respect are actions, not primarily feelings. These are things that we do, not ways that we feel.

Do you want to be a good wife? Then show honor and respect to your husband. Treat him as though he is the kind of man that he should be (even though none of us are). Just as it’s his job to show you love and put you first whether you desirve it or not (just like Jesus did for us).

NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL:

let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

-Eph 5:33

How to be a good husband…

One of my favoriate passages in the NT is Ephesians 5.

I like it because it’s immensely practical, and yet theologically dense at the same time. The text has to do with living a holy life within a community of faith, as well as within the smallest community, a family.

Paul uses marriage as a picture of how Christ relates to the church, but in a secondary sense, it is a great passage to direct us about how marriage should work.

Husbands should be the “head” of the wife (Eph 5:23), taking the lead and being willing to face the consequences..

Husbands should “love” their wives, to the point of death (Eph 5:25). This should poke holes in any man’s desire to make “head” the equivalent of “overlord” – it’s not (cf. Matt 20:25, Mark 10:42, 2Cor 1:24).

As is always the case in the Bible, leadership is about setting aside your own personal rights and emptying yourself just as Jesus did (cf. Phil 2:1-11).

To be a good husband, you should ask yourself these kinds of questions

• Will I put my wife first in all that I do?
• Will I give my best time and energy to her?
• After Christ, is your wife the most important person or thing in your life?
•  Will your wife know this by what I do?
• Will this be plain to those around us?”
• If not, why not? What can I do to show people I love and cherish my wife…

How to be a good husband? Die. Die to yourself, your desires, your dreams, your wants… and make new ones. As Eph 5 tells us, everyone naturally takes care of themselves, you need to take care of your wife with the same passion. It’s not about being fair and balanced with your family goals, it’s about putting her first… that’s what being a Biblical leader is about. It’s not a head-trip (literally) because you’re “in charge,” but it’s a privilege and a responsibility for you to ensure that your wife feels loved (because she is… by Christ, but also by you).

Train your customers as employees

I was watching a video over at the Harvard Business Review and they were talking about how Starbucks did a good job of training their customers to act as employees. Anne Morriss (aside from having too many letters in both of her names) gave the example of this training when she recounted the experience that many have had at Starbucks.

I’m sure you’ve experienced this, or did, perhaps several years ago. You walk in to your local Starbucks and say you want a “small cold blended coffee” and they shout back “short coffee frappuccino.”

“Oh no, I got the names wrong.” the power of this is that Starbucks, if you knew it or not, was educating you. They even call it out again when your drink is ready. You have to acknowledge that “yes, I have the short coffee frappuccino” when you walk over to pick it up. No one likes to be corrected in public.

It’s actually a form of brainwashing, and it’s genius. Now you are an insider, or you really want to be. You’ll go back to Starbucks because you get it right, you know the secret lingo, you earned your place within the organization.

I think church can be the same way, though not quite as sinister.

We have our own names for stuff “the Lord’s supper, baptism, Sunday School, sanctuary, foyer, quarterly…” and that’s okay. Each church should have their own identity and that comes with specific names for specific things.

We all make fun of Starbucks “short, tall, grande, venti…” but we also all recognize the Starbucks culture. So, if your church calls it the “worship center” and someone says “where’s the sanctuary” simply reply (nicely) “our worship center is that way.” You’re not overtly correcting them, but you’re also protecting your “brand” and helping them to realize the “insider information.”

Does it matter that you call it a “worship guide” in stead of a “bulletin?” No, neither one is in the New Testament, but it does give someone a feeling (be it ever so slight) if they say “hey, now I know what to call it.” They’ve become a part of the team and built a little more loyalty to your organization.

It takes clear vision and clear communication among your leadership to let people know “we’re going to call it _____ and not _____” but it can be done. Let your church be uniquely you!

How Has The Church Changed?

On Wed. Scot McKnight posted over at his blog (Jesus Creed) 12 ways that he sees that the church has changed. Here I’ve taken his 12 ways and applied those 12 to my situation in my own words (some don’t really apply, and I might have added some others, but I stuck with Scot’s anyway):

1. Music: I did not grow up singing music that attempted to mimmic the style of music that people were listening to outside of church. Consequently, I had the category of “church music” that was different from the Beatles, the Beach Boys, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith and everything else that I listened to at home. We sang music from the Baptist Hymnal and only in my last few years at my home church did we put words up on the screen (or even have screens). The music was generational and passed down from those who went before us, it was not the “style of music” that anyone preferred in the church. “Just as I am” was usually the invitation, though I walked forward to “Softly and Tenderly Jesus is Calling.” All this is not to say you ‘must’ sing hymns, but when it comes to music, I don’t really have a preference for one style over another. I actually think quality is more important than style. Whatever the people God’s called in your church do best is probably what you should do.
2. Style: I wore the best clothes I had and I wore them in a proper way. Today is different. Many men my age don’t even own a suit, and if they do, it’s their only one. I’m kinda sad by this. My wife and I just can’t bring ourselves to wear jeans to church. We don’t really feel anything bad about those who do, we just can’t do it. On the other hand, I do feel a bit irritated when someone doesn’t iron their clothes or they wear something that just doesn’t fit anymore. I tie my ties three different ways depending on the style of collar I’m wearing, and they just touch the top of my belt buckle (brown alligator skin, or black ostrich to match my boots). That doesn’t even count my 20+ bow ties (btw, get them here). I wear my pants at my actual waste, and I do my best to be sure they are hemmed to the proper length (just break on the top of the shoe). My clothes are ironed. I’m not saying someone has to wear a suit to church, but good grief, sloppy isn’t spiritual. I made it a point (and still try to) to honor the occasion of worshiping the Lord with my church family in how I presented myself. I think that can absolutely be done with jeans and a short sleeved shirt, but at least try to look nice (rant? sorry…). And oh how you baby-boomers love your golf shirts
3. Tradition. I knew what to expect because it was done before and would be done after I was gone (so I thought, at least). That can get boring, but if everything changes all the time, that can get confusing. I knew we’d have Wednesday night meal and then go out for visitation. We always had a January Bible Study, I knew we’d have VBS, the Living Christmas Tree was every year. In the service there was a responsive reading, there were hymns. I think there can be a balance here. The question shouldn’t be “what can we do” but “what facilitates the Gospel best.” Sometimes that’s passing on traditions, even if they’re not explicitly in the Bible, and sometimes it’s allowing a “sacred cow” to die and replacing her with something new. The funny thing is, each generation seems to be making their own traditions anyway, but not in an intentional way. We should care how the next generation “does church.” The attitude of “do it however you want” or “be whoever you want.” is bogus. Sure, when they are “in charge” they will be who the want, but don’t we want to pass on a bit of who we uniquely are? What contribution to their worship will we have?
4. Prayer. I remember the Sr. Pastor praying for specifics on a regular basis from the pulpit. Long prayers about sickness and needs, almost every week. I hadn’t really thought about it until this blog post, but it’s true. That would seem odd in the culture today, somehow out of place, but I think it was a good thing. The “good old-fashioned pastoral prayer” taught me how to pray.
5. Megachurches. At this point I can’t really relate to a change. The church I grew up at averaged over 1,900 in Sunday School before I went off to college in 1996 (I think they’re around 1,000 now). I am currently a Pastor at a church who rus just over 1,200 in Sunday School (and they had about 30 twenty years ago). Everyone remembers the “good ol’ days” when you could get to know the pastor, and blame it on the “megachurch” for not being able to now. When I grew up, the Sr. Pastor would have new people over to his house about once a month. It was a big joke how horrible his directions were as he gave them from the pulpit on Sunday nights. He tried to learn your name, but he usually butchered it (even if you had been on staff for years). He made hospital visits, but he also relied on his staff to do the same. Guests were sought out and welcomed by everyone in every service, we figured if they visited us, then they wanted to be greeted.
6. Preaching. We went through books of the Bible. I could take notes in my Bible and pick-up where we left-off the week before. That was kinda comforting and built a bit more anticipation for me (even as a young kid). I enjoyed looking back at the last few weeks worth of notes and getting back in the stream of things each message. In the evening service (and there was an evening service) we would do a different text, something topical, etc, but we would go (mostly) book-by-book on Sunday mornings.
7. Church Buildings. We were in the “forever we build” campaign the entire time I was at my boyhood church (if you don’t get the joke, “together we build” was a common theme in Southern Baptist life in days gone by). We built a nice “sanctuary” and we always had to have “portable buildings” (that never moved) to handle all the youth etc. It seems like today, most churches go ahead and build, and what they build is “less churchy.” The loans are bigger so we can “have it now.” Also, today most churches don’t need the Education Space that we did, they do groups in homes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, just different.
8. Holy. Scot says “Church in my youth smelled holy; it smells love today.” I guess I don’t really know for sure what he means here. But I think I know how this works for me. Church was an event, it was “high” and a sacred time. You didn’t distract or interrupt the importance of the moment on Sunday, it was a big day! Today, we let it slide. Come late, come however you are, don’t worry, it’s alright. Neither is how it should be. Church gatherings are a big deal, they are holy, and there should be a “weight” to them. At the same time, that makes it all the more powerful when someone is welcomed “just as they are.” We shouldn’t sweat the little things, especially in the visitors… if you’re drunk, I’d rather have you drunk in church! After a while though, it’s time to get sober.
9. Words rather than images. I can relate to this. I already mentioned that we had responsive readings. These were usually from the Bible, but we held them in our hands. Today, it’s more about images and pictures. I think this can be good, I’ve learned that most people are visual learners, they learn by seeing images, but I’m an auditory learner. I’m always going to prefer the spoken word, and I’m never going to care that much what I see. So I defer to my schooling on this one. I know most people are impacted greatly by “look” and the “feel” of things. If it advances the Gospel, I’m all for it!
10. Told it like it was. Today most of our churches, by-and-large, seek to please the people who are there. At the church I grew up at the Sr. Pastor had his idea of what was right and that’s the way it was. Maybe it was because I was a kid, but I could not imagine a church survey to decide the color of carpet or how to structure services. I’m not sure which is better, I just recognize that it’s different. My pastor had also been there for decades, that might have lead to him not caring too much about doing anything other than what he thought was best, and in my case, I think what he thought was best was usually right.
11. Rules vs. Freedom. Scot talks about an inordinate amount of rules “not dancing or smoking or drinking…” but I don’t really remember this one. I do notice an incredibly more permissive attitude with youth today though. There is no way someone in the church I grew up in would pass notes (this was before texting) or talk back to an adult without someone taking care of business. It takes a village, and that village was First Baptist Church. We live in a permissive culture. Things like sex before marriage, drug use, or divorce don’t seem to be viewed with the same seriousness as it was when I was growing up. I can see both sides here, “rules” can be so heavily emphasized that breaking them seems so bad no one is honest about it. But allowing people (and I mean long-term members of the church) to continue in their sin and do nothing about their children is hurting the American Church today. Parents need to be parents, and the rest of us need to be parents if the real parents aren’t doing the job. If you are the parent, it’s your job, as much as you can, to make sure your kids turn out right. Maybe it was just my family, but I think my parents struck this balance well.
12. Choose-your-church. Our churches today are tailor-made for us, and many people even go to multiple churches to get all of their “needs” met. I simply don’t remember thinking that this is how a church should function, i.e “it’s all about me” or “if I don’t get anything out of it, I won’t participate.” This is a really bad attitude if taken to its extreem. I do believe, though, that a church has to be flexible enough to change, but only to a point. We are creating “niche” churches. When I grew up, there was one or two of each denomination of church in each city/town and they all looked pretty similar. We all had to get along and work together because even though we were different, it was “our church.” Now, there’s a different church for every kind of person, it’s “my church.” Again, I think this can be good in moderation. If we’re reaching people who otherwise would not be reached, I’m all for it. But, then again, if we’re simply starting another church for the church people who prefer a different style of music, then we’re reinforcing the idea of “it’s all about my preferences” to the next generation. Very bad indeed.

In a lot of ways, really good ways, the church that I am blessed to serve now is like the church I grew up at. We have “churchy” buildings, we have Sunday School (in fact, I’m in charge of Adult Sunday School). I think we do a good job of balancing “rules” and “freedom” (though, like anyone, we’re not perfect). I think we, at least in intention, do a great job of trying to strike a balance between “tradition” and “innovation.” Our music is blended, but usually only time-tested and theologically deep songs. We’re a big church (but not a megachurch) though we are concerned about guests. There are no perfect churches, there were not “good ol’ days,” there is only today and the part you will play in making your local church body the best she can be for the sake of the Kingdom and the glory of the King!

What are some things you notice that are different if you grew-up in church?

The Jesus We Don’t Like

Jesus took some radical stands, and while I think most of us would answer correctly on the “was Jesus radical” true/false question on an exam, I don’t think most of us pay attention to his more painful commands. “Radical Jesus” is all well and good, as long as the “home” He hit’s close to isn’t mine.

This is the Jesus we don’t like, because He interrupts our lives and makes us run against our nature.

If anyone comes to Me [Jesus] and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, and even his own life—he cannot be My disciple.

-Luke 16:26 HCSB

First of all, this is obviously an example of hyperbole on Jesus’ part. The point of this statement is not to actively harbor animosity towards your family, but it does speak to priorities in our lives. Priorities that most of us get exactly wrong.

How do we respond when a church leader approaches us about missing church:

• “We visit my parents every 6-weeks or so, so that’s why we miss…”
• “Oh, I go hunting/fishing with my dad during that season, it’s good bonding time for us, that’s why I wasn’t there a few weeks in a row…”
• “My wife had a stressful week with the kids, so we just stayed home.”
• “My husband doesn’t attend church, so I can’t always make it”
• “I’m retired and loving it! Now I travel and enjoy what I’ve earned.”
• “Mom’s in a nursing home, Sunday is the only time I have to visit her”
• “I can’t teach Sunday School, we have our grandkids about once a month”
• “We can’t make it on Wed. nights because our kids have sports/dance”
• “Our kids are so busy with school and other activities.. we can’t add more.”

And these are only talking about simply showing-up to church… there’s so much more to being Jesus’ disciple. If we can’t even show-up, how will we ever get to the truly important things?

Have we taught the last few generations of Christians: “church is optional?” How can we justify that in light of Jesus’ words?

Where are our priorities?

When we travel or visit family/friends, do we use Sunday as a “travel day” so as to not miss work? Do we even visit a sister church when we’re on the road? Why is it okay to miss 25% (or more) of our Sunday meetings, but if we missed that much work we’d be fired?

“but they won’t pay me if I don’t show-up to work…” Does that make our jobs more important than communion/ministry with/for our own church body?

Was this maybe what Jesus meant when He said: “You can’t be slaves to both God and money.” [Luke 16:13]? I think it was.

“But my family depends on my paycheck…” Sure, but do we have houses bigger than we should, newer and more cars than we ought, debt that we shouldn’t have… I would suggest that if we are not able to somehow materially serve through our own local church family as a result of the demands of life, we’ve made too many decisions that had something other than Jesus at their core. This is not “hating” other things (even people) in comparison to the centrality of Christ in our lives.

What we’re saying (whether we admit it or not) is “well, I can live without being consistant at church, but I can’t live without my paycheck…” Consistency in attendance at church is certainly not equivalent to faithfulness to God, faithfulness requires much more, so if we can’t even show up regularly… (hopefully you get the idea)

And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works, not staying away from our worship meetings, as some habitually do, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

-Heb 10:24-25

How can we show concern for others in our church if we aren’t there? How can we know how to encourage one another to serve, if we ourselves aren’t around enough to serve? Why do we fall into the bad habit of putting other things/people (good things/people) ahead of Jesus and His mission through our churches?

There is a “commitment deficit” that is pervasive in our culture today, and we all suffer from it. College is getting easier, more people work from home and set their own hours, and it seems that we are allowed to be more concerned with our own happiness now than ever before. Church is something we think more about “what do I get out of it” instead of “where can I invest.”

Investment takes consistency and substance over an extended period of time.

What if you committed to teach Sunday School and not miss (unless providentially hindered) a single Sunday in 12 months! Is that radical? More radical than “If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow Me.” [Luke 9:23]? That’s only a weekly commitment.

What if you took the time to find 4-5 people 10-15 years younger than you and you met with them once a month for 3-4 hours to show them how to follow Jesus in real life? Have you had the consistency of Christian walk to benefit them? Do you have it now? Or are you too busy with balancing work/spouse/kids/grandkids etc…?

I’m not saying I have this figured out, far from it, but I’m trying to learn how to do this. The next generation (millennials) realize that family is important… What I fear, however, is that we are setting them up to turn their families into idols who keep them from laboring for the Great Commission. Every time you skip church to visit with your kids/grandkids you are reinforcing their belief that family is more important than anything else… and that’s simply not in-line with what Jesus said.

What are some things that we need to give-up in order to serve the kingdom better together?

What are some things that get in the way of you putting Jesus and His work #1 in your life?

How can we combat this in our churches?

May the 4th be with you…

Today is the fourth day of May, so “May the fourth be with you”

I grew up as a church Star Wars fan, we are, after all, about the same age.

Star Wars is a great story of freedom, friendship, and faith in something greater than yourself. It’s a lesson in the truth that the world and your life are guided and directed by forces (i.e. THE force in the movies) that transcend the natural world.

But “The Force” is not God, and Star Wars presents anything but a Christian world view. I don’t ask my movies to be “Christian” for me to enjoy them, however, the thing that makes Star Wars confusing for some is that it definitely is “spiritual” in its theme.

Unfortunately, anything “spiritual” (a book, a movie, a speech, etc…) becomes a mirror for most of us. I’m dismayed by the many who seek to put a “Christian spin” on Star Wars, or somehow compare “The Force” to God the Father, or the Holy Spirit… this is horrendous. Worse than that, if the person espouses to be a Christian, they might just be revealing their lack of understanding of the Christian God.

I’m reminded of the interchange between Jesus and the disciples:

Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven.
-Matt 16: 13-17

It is important that we differentiate the biblical Jesus from all other gods and “forces” out there, including the “Jesus” of other religions (Islam, LDS, Judaism, etc…).

Most people have nice things to say about Jesus, in fact that’s a strength of the Christian faith, it’s all about Jesus, so when you witness to people, start with Him. Even though most are fond of Jesus, most do not understand who He really is.

He’s not just a Prophet, He’s not just a great teacher, He’s not just the “Son of Man,” He is greater than all that… He is God (most explicitly in John 1: see this and this and this).

What do you think? Who do you say Jesus is? How is that different from what others say about Him?

Sunday School and Bathroom Breaks

Have you ever been on a road trip?

We live in IL just East of St. Louis, and most of our family live over 600 miles away in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. I’m also a student at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Kansas City, MO, and even though I’m a part-time student, I still drive the 4.5 hours (one way) to campus about 25 times a year.

We know road trips…

Road trips are a good metaphor for life, and they are a good analogy for a church’s Sunday School strategy. You should have a destination, follow the rules of the road, keep moving forward, stay within the boundaries, don’t speed, et. al. But there is one aspect of the road trip that I think is particularly interesting in this comparison to how you do small groups within a local church context, the bathroom break.

How you approach the bathroom break is similar to how you approach starting new classes, it all depends on if you have goals (a schedule) that you are trying to align with.

When you start out on a road trip you can ask a question two different ways:

Question #1: “do I need to go to the bathroom now?”

Question #2: “can I go to the bathroom now?”

The first question is spoken by someone who doesn’t really have a plan, they know the general direction they are headed, but when an emergency arrives they assume they can deal with it then.

The second question is that of a person who is determined to follow the schedule. They know if they can go ahead and take care of “business” now, they will have more flexibility later.

It’s the same with Sunday School…

If you wait until you feel the need to divide a class, it’s already too late, you’ve lost your momentum and excitement. The emergency is upon you and you didn’t see it coming.

On the other hand, if you start new classes as soon as you can, you will always be growing, your will keep your momentum, and you will never feel the stress of having no room for the new people God brings your way. You’ll also never have the malaise that comes from the comfort of a “full” class, and worse yet, you’ll never fell the urgency of inviting new people to your class because if new people don’t come, your class won’t make it!

You’ve gotta prepare for the future, and you’ve gotta do it before the future gets here. Are you in a Sunday School class? How long has it been since you sent someone from your class to start a new one? How long has it been since you’ve felt the urgency to invite others to join with you?

Do you need to start a class now?

Can you start a class now?